FUCKFACE UNSTOPPABLE

Bam, bam——Bam, bam, bam.

Tim how do I get from Earls court to my car. I thought I was getting dropped off at the yard,I really need to go home and sort out stuff that’s already 2 months overdue.
Good point, well presented was the reply.
In the end it was train to Southampton then a lift to my car. Which I dived into and took off for the Midlands like a rocket.
I’ve got 1 night at home which is a 3 hour ride away.
Spend my day off rushing about sorting legal shit out. Oh the glamour!!
Back to Romsey and pick the bus and trailer up. Off to Frankfurt, spend the night in the services just outside then pick the band up at the airport the following day easy.
I took over the driving just by the M3 then off to the ferry.
All’s good fly through France then Belgium pick up ciggies and baccy. Nice drive through Germany
“Hey Steve what time you going to be at the hotel?” Glenn the TM
Once I’ve parked up and had 11 hours break.
“Errr we need picking up bro! We’ve only got 1 room booked and a load of gear in the lobby.”
“Errrrrr I’m not picking you up until tomorrow, oh I get it damn yeah I can just about make it to the hotel in my hours, we got parking and power there?”
“We can sort of park in the bus bay, there’s no power though”
“Sort of?”
“Yeahhh when you get here you’d better take a look”
Day 1 here we go.
I get close to the hotel there’s signposts to and now they’re gone. Up this road errrr nope, swing round hotel is right by the side of me and now it’s behind me. This is fuckin’ stupid. It’s a massive hotel and there’s no signposts to the entrance.
“Hi Steve are you anywhere near?”
“Dude I’m on my 3rd pass and I can’t find the fuckin road to the hotel!”
“I’ve got the promoter here he can guide you in.”
Actually he couldn’t I tried all the roads leading to the hotel. In the end I went up a ramp that said no buses and through a no entry to find the fuckin’ place.
“I don’t think we can stop in that bus bay, the businesses will be pissed off if you park there for 11 hours.”
Off to the service station it is then. Grab some food then off to bed.
Roll out in the morning off to the show I’m tired so I didn’t watch the show. The guys are back on at 1.30 then off and on and off and on. They introduce themselves and spot the camera in the windscreen of the bus.
Bam and Alex aka Rubbish heap walk round the front of the bus, start arguing. Rubbish smashes a bottle which they then roll over fighting. Bam gets back on the bus arm bleeding profusely with a big chunk of glass sticking out of it. This wound got worse throughout the tour and only started healing with a good scar in the last 3 days.
The cops turn up wondering what the fuss is. Then leave after having their photos taken with Bam. Got some footage with the crew dancing along with the Algerians who were celebrating a win in the football.
Nikki Bams wife is standing on the roof of a car baring her arse to all and sundry.
The Algerian wide boys seemed very pleased at this. And to be fair it’s definitely not the worst arse I’ve seen.
Everybody’s in the road celebrating. Every car was stopped and made to sound it’s horn whilst surrounded by Algerian fans.
We roll out about 2 Resplendent with football fans hanging off my trailer. They’ve bent my mudguard the fuckers.
Get to the festival site at about 3:30.
5:30 Novak and Rubbish are on the hunt for booze and class A’s. And this sets the theme for the rest of the tour.
Novak comes wibbling back to the bus swigging from a wine bottle he’d robbed from backstage.
“See the guy in the baseball hat?”
“Yeah”
“We just tried to score coke off him!”
“Yeaaaahhh!!!”
“He wasn’t too happy, he’s the promoter of the festival”
“Well I suppose there’s nothing like advance warning the promoter what chaos is about to happen on his site, what did he say?”
“He said no the fuckin’ Pussy. So I stole this wine. From backstage!”
(There is a lot of this sort of behaviour on the tour. It is highly amusing)

Watched the show today. The sight of Novak crowd surfing wearing nothing but a pair of women’s fishnet tights and his hat holding his ever present bottle of wine up so he didn’t spill it, will forever haunt me.
Good show the crowd seemed to enjoy it immensely, I met a few people I knew and a reoccurring meeting with Benji from Skindred.
Islington academy. Oh boy what a cock ache this place is. They give you the bare minimum time they can for parking.
The band were really good didn’t smoke in the venue, finish the show, go outside for a fag, security start hassling them to move out of the loading dock. Then 2 guys started getting rough much to everybody’s amusement. Novak started to get riled.
Now he is a streak off piss, but he hit Murray over the head with a wine bottle and he’s his friend.
So he’s not adverse to using a bit of violence to get his point across.
He was heading towards the two security guards bottle in hand when Glenn the TM headed him off at the pass. Then Bam comes off the bus all guns blazing.
“This is outside, why the fuck are you being stupid about this. Here is outside, and there is outside. What’s the fucking difference?”
He gets bored of arguing grabs the band and crew and they head off to a bar.
Security knock me up out of bed saying its 1am I must leave.
“Sorry mate they’re not on the bus, I can’t go anywhere yet!”
“What? You must leave now, you. Are only supposed to be here until 1. There are deliverys coming in.”
“Mate I can’t leave until my passengers are on!”
He wondered off not very happy
As it happens at 2:30 when I did leave. There hadn’t been any deliveries so I hadn’t caused any inconvenience.

Sonisphere we drive through to the backstage where we’re met by a chap,who,was supposed to park us up.
Festival guy “How can I help, you?”
Me “We need drugs!”
“Sorry”
“Drugs man we need drugs!”
“Errrr! That’s more a question for artist liaison, can you park by that generator please”
This has got to be my favourite response to a question that will be asked many times before this tour is played out.

Fuckin’ 16 amp only, It’s red hot. Everybody’s going to slow cook in their bunks at this rate. So I pinch a 32 from the headline acts.
Fuckin festivals. The bus is like a solar fuckin oven without AC. The band can’t get their dressing room until a couple of hours before they’re on. And have to be out a couple after they come off, in the meantime they need the bus.
And that’s where cunty bollox here has to sleep as well. I love waking up in a pool of my own body fluids. Just as well as it’s a regular occurrence.

COO KOOKS CA CHOO!

Coo kooks ca choo

“How you with a 14 Meter?” Asks Tim
“Driven a couple”
“Good get to Phoenix. Pick up 54, up to Liverpool, pick the band up to Glasgow. You’ll need to get up there a day early to get an 11 hour break in.”
“Aye OK”
As I live in Stafford, that’s quite near Liverpool I opted for a night in my own bed.
Of course it’s a bank holiday weekend that I’m working over as standard.
Pick the bus up, not driven one of these before, it’s ace drives itself virtually. And for such so long motor it goes round tight corners great. Better than the shorter buses and that doesn’t make sense.
So off up to Sunny Stafford. Dick about with the sound system. DAB Teamrock it is woo hoo!!
It’s the simple things in life that make all the difference.
Park outside the gym and home for curry n wine, Fannytastic.
Day off means make the beds. Realise Lloyd who drove the bus last had cleared just about everything.hing out of it. Ahhhh! Bollox so I called him up.
“Hello bonnie lad how you doing” (he’s a Geordie)
“Good mate, I’ve got your old bus and can’t find ‘I reel off a list of things’
“Oh I didn’t realise you were taking it over, I’d’ve left more stuff on it for you!”
“Ah it’s OK I’ll buy what I need, just checking you’ve not got stuff hidden?”
“Well there is this panel I had put in, and this is stored there and here’s a handy hidey hole where you’ll find……….”
Cooel. Got my stuff did and then headed off to the Pool to pick up the guys.
The hotel they were in is opposite the Philharmonic theatre.
There’s no where to park and the Philly has a show on and the street is cordoned off. The Redburn driver comes over to me and we know each other so I ask if I can park in front of him. I’m leaving way before he does.
“Yeah mate if you can get down the road?”
“No worries can you just watch my arse as I back in”
Ooh fuckin err Matron
Get parked up the TM co
Media over to say hello.
“The guys are in town getting food, then going to a bar to watch the match,”
“No problem mate I’m parked and happy.”
The guys all pile back on the bus for an 11PM leave. I suggest we hang about for a bit, the Philly has just tipped out, there’s old folk everywhere and taxis driving about in typical taxi style.
Eventually we set off for sunny Glasgow.
Get to the ABC our truck is in the bay in front of where I need to park. I slide into the parking bay to much honking from indignant taxi drivers, flashing their light sang getting rather cross. Not that I care much. You do have to park in what they’ve claimed to be their pick up spot.
The trickiest come down and introduce themselves I ask them if they can park in front of me in the same bay. If you don’t someone will park a car there and I won’t be able to get out.
After some shenanigans involving irate taxi drivers, Some busy body pretend copper, 2 cars full of real coppers and a couple of drunken girls. I thought the boys were doing it for my entertainment as it did keep me entertained for an hour, wondering what the fuck was going on. I drew my curtains and went to sleep.
“Ahm on mah way!”
Said Brad I was meeting him fer a swallee and some food.
Off to sleazys for a Strongbow then down the road to spoons for another and some food. Had a good afternoon just talking shite, then back to bed.
Woke up a quick spruce of the bus and back to bed.
Up again when everyone started piling onto the bus.
“We’ll leave midnight if that’s OK with you?” Said Simon the TM.
“Cool.”
I pop over to Subway across the road for a journey sandwich. Then at midnight we’re away back off down to Manchester.
YAYYYYYYY!!! Ritzys Manchestooooooooor. I Messaged Sarah Newton from SJM to see if she was in Manc and fancied a curry in East z East.
“I’ll see you about 12:30 we’ll have to go somewhere else both East z East are closed now until 5pm. Booooooo!!!
We went to Akbars I think. Which was pretty good to be honest.
Walked into the venue and all the old Academy crew were working there. Was good to catch up with those guys. I watched some of the show then went back to bed.
When I woke up I got a coffee and frozen yoghurt, with a mix of froot loops and crystallised ginger topping.
Sunny London tomorrow.
Electric Ballroom the gig of many a parking ticket.
With added roadworks that have taken up 1/2 the road fuckin brilliant.
I’ve got to park outside of the venue to get power, so i evaluated the situation.
By that I mean I pulled up got out used all my skills and realised thee was no way the busy Cuntish town bus route would be free if I stayed where I was.. I’ll plonk it on the footpath. The path at this point is quite wide so there’s no restricting people getting past.
Park up and sleep. The truck pulls up I suggest they load through the alley as I can’t move, and the truck would be stopping all the traffic if it parked behind me anyway. Due to the fact there’s a bus stop and a lamp post in the way.
Truckie went around the block a couple of times before doing what I suggested.
Graham Lambert from SJM was our promoters rep on the tour. He’s the guitarist in Inspiral carpets. We’ve done a fair bit of work together and I spent a large part of the afternoon talking about bands and general music shit.
Funny how it seems all bands suffer with the same personnel hassles.
Morat was over from LA with his lovely wife Mitzumi. And had put out on face book he was in the Crowbar for drinks. I went over to see him I’ve not seen him for about 20 years was great, he’s going to meet Me n Nico when we get to LA at the end of our road trip which is cool.
He’d got copies of his book The Road To Ferro City.
I’d read a bit of it on my Kindle and said I recognised a few of the descriptions from the Isle Of Man. From when we were over there for the TT.
I spent a couple of hours with him, Mazuimi and the Exploited’s, singers brother.
Of course I had the obligatory Camden parking ticket when I got back CUNTS!!
We’ve got the delights of sunny Birmingham tomorrow and the Institute. I like it there I like the pub next door the Big Bull.
My boss Tim was out driving a band who were in the small room he said he’d meet me there for food and a wee swallee.
The truck driver was already parked when I got there. I could head some hard house music blaring from his truck and his disco lights were flashing away in his windscreen.
He watched me back in as there’s a couple of real nastily positioned flood lights that would take your windows out if you weren’t careful. They light the yard up great but unfortunately blind you when you’re manoeuvring.
And so to bed.
When I wake up Tim is parked over the road with his bus and trailer. I go over and suggest the Big bull for a Guinness. We spend a few hours in there being entertained by the local piss head, the truckie joins us as well. I tell Tim the pub can get a bit rowdy and the characters are interesting.
I was telling the
Simon the TM that at least now it didn’t matter what accent you had to drink in there.
He mistook this remark for racism which it took me a while to get what he’d said as I was concentrating on getting out of the road which I was going out of the wrong way. It is a one way street.
I explained that in the 70’s early 80’s you didn’t go into a few boozers in Digbeth unless you had an Irish accent, unless you wanted to leave via the exit window. There still is a very strong Irish presence in the area, and since Red Stripe is now brewed in Burton and not imported from Jamaica, and I drink more of the stout I tend to feel safe drinking there, knowing I’m an bald Irish Rastafarian Scouser from the Black Country near Glasgow.
And with that it’s back to London for the drop off.
I’d missed the NABD Bike rally which I’d bought a ticket. Alison who keeps my bike in her garage went in my place. She said it was good but her garage stank of petrol and there was a pool of it under my bike again.
Fuckin Shit. It’s booked into the Garage on Wednesday then I’m off to get the bus again Thursday.